Nick's Nightly Notions

What Happened What's Next and What the Hell is Mania   Well jeez, in a lot of ways, if I knew I probably would not have had 3 separate psych ward stays, emptied my bank account, and cut myself off from those who love me the most. But here I go. Bi-Polar disorder is a bitch but bipolar 1 is really one of the worst diseases you can have in the sense that you have literally no control over your brain. Unlike everyone who has their ups and downs that are like the top and bottom of a hill my ups and downs are like the top of Mount Everest and the bottom of a coal shaft not only is it hard to breathe in both spots but one wrong move can kill you in either spot. I am not really sure when where or how it started. Work was stressing me out because I was up for a promotion and a pay raise I did not feel I deserved. You probably never thought you'd see someone type that but when you are deathly afraid of success things to happen. Some of my best friends, brother, and girlfriend at the tim

 What a stupid fucking question What an ignorant thing to try to answer But as I said crazy is as crazy does No I do not believe each death has a purpose or that its all part of God's plan. Unless you believe in the Fates weaving and cutting their yarn neither do you. We have free will even though I believe we can utilize that on Gods path like they talk about in Donnie Darko, I believe we can evade or welcome death. Surprisingly I think welcoming death is actually the best way to stay away from it. I believe death is not some guy in a dark cloak with a scyth. I think death is more like Aphrodite, an amazingly beautiful figure that can fulfill all of your darkest fantasies. I also believe this is why we look at it in the sense that "Heaven" is some "better place" but in the Gospel of Thomas (of the dead sea scrolls) Jesus says   "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they s

 Its been a long journey  a long strange trip  I could use a cig or just a lip of dip  my travels were a plenty  my wallet is a empty so many friends made so many plans laid  I cant wait to settle  I sure need the rest got real paranoid for a bit thought it was some big test I hope they accept me different as I am now  I hope I accept them seeing as I am a man now  they will never understand  how could they even try i tried to pierce my ears get a tattoo on my thigh I just wanted to be different  wrote my name in the sand but it all washed away  was left with no plan  so i went to seek help my olive branch to you listening to crazies yelp  always some plan to sue for my baby is coming  and they treat me like shit  or the gove is gonna kill me  yeah theyre plannin a hit  no pride left to stand on  so I will take your shot but im scare of the outside or maybe just the thought  I sure hope they'll accept me coming back black and blue i hope they wont neglect me or like the iraqi ill t

(This is a bullshit poem that was written out of anger and I do not feel this way at all but I feltr I should share it either way because it shows emotion and thats all poetry) two brothers never really there for me care more about society its expectations so strict why would they ever care  about little old nick there when times are good or if i got money in hand  but when I really need them  they stick together like sand  

 Just Kids  (Inspired by Aldous Huxley's Brave New World)  Being a grown up sucks  I want to go back being a kid was great yeah it really did smack all things were possible  Not a worry at all It didnt ever hurt not even a big fall a scraped knee or bruised elbow  were your worries for the day dont talk back to mom  for fear of being locked away 5 minutes felt like an hour  & all things felt brand new remember school shoppin?  Getting a new shirt or new shoe? I wanna be just kids forever and always please  "GROW UP' in a strained voice  we laugh and say "oh jeez" Are they all just jealous  or is it fear I smell  for when we leave the cave we know where they will dwell your shadow is just behind you  your neck you must strain for the pain is temporary  & your brain you must train For everything can be lost  & Everything you can gain dont do it for the power or money do it to keep yourself sane They will continue chipping away your sanity they wish to h

 Searchin' (From my first visit into the psych ward)  Well Im searchin for the something I just cant seem to find  like a word you want to say that just won't come to mind I been on so many travels  I seem to have lost my home but each time I settle down  all I want to do is roam My friends have lost their faith but I keep findin mine when I start to kickin myself  I start searching for a sign a sign to tell me something  or the next place I should go  should I go back to hawaii  or some place covered in snow But what I have forgotten and it seems so many have for what I need Ive got in this heart and mind I have You never need to travel  or roam these vast lands for what you want to unravel  is in your very hands so continue your learnin  that you never got in school  and that knowledge get to earnin  so you don't die a fool You see these crazy people they are just like you and me  but their awareness is to great  for our current societry  they try to tell you stories what

  My Apologies and Thanks What is up all you female dogs? Long time no see. As many of you may know and I am sure even more of you don't know I spent 10 days in the psych ward after a previous 6 day stint. Which means I have spent more time being 24 in a psych ward than out of one, not exactly something to be proud of, but I have learned a lot about myself, a little bit of society's reaction to a manic person and most importantly I can be a biiiiiig fucking asshole if I want to be.  The best way anyone ever described my life before my Dad died, something I was upset about but wish I could go back to, was as "cookie cutter" since then it has been anything other than that. I have lost two friends, my grandma and just an hour ago I found out that I lost my grandfather. My mental health has been tugged around by death far to often and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that people die and life has to go on whether we want it to or not. I really do not know what