Crazy is as Crazy Does, I am sorry for what happened, but it was what it was

 My Apologies and Thanks

What is up all you female dogs? Long time no see. As many of you may know and I am sure even more of you don't know I spent 10 days in the psych ward after a previous 6 day stint. Which means I have spent more time being 24 in a psych ward than out of one, not exactly something to be proud of, but I have learned a lot about myself, a little bit of society's reaction to a manic person and most importantly I can be a biiiiiig fucking asshole if I want to be. 

The best way anyone ever described my life before my Dad died, something I was upset about but wish I could go back to, was as "cookie cutter" since then it has been anything other than that. I have lost two friends, my grandma and just an hour ago I found out that I lost my grandfather. My mental health has been tugged around by death far to often and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that people die and life has to go on whether we want it to or not.

I really do not know what to say, I thought I was doing good things, I realize now that I wasnt doing squat, I spent all my time looking for approval from others and when I wasnt doing that I was trying to fill the void by spending money or doing drugs and drinking almost constantly. I think subconciously I was trying to get myself to slow down but even after drinking and smoking till 5 am I'd take a 3 hour nap and be back at it. It is no joke when Kayne said it was his super power, it is the most miraculous feeling ever. Better than any drug I have ever taken and also the reason why I was so afraid of taking medications or being hospitalized because why when the first time in 3 years that I feel good does everyone else want it to stop?

I do not know how much of your high school english classes you all remember but I thought my life had become a bildungsroman in which a character goes through 4 stages Loss, Journey, Conflict and Personal Growth and finally Maturity. This is usually through tough times and getting rid of everyone who is mentoring them so they can finally become a mentor by themselves. While this was already happening with many of my friends reaching out, I took it upon myself, I took the fight to people who had only been kind to me. I hurt a lot of people and I am not proud of it. I am sorry to those people and they for the most part will be given or already have been given an apology.

More importantly I want to thank those of you that supported me on this twisted journey. I do not regret going manic. Although that may surprise a lot of you it has wiped my slate clean and I am very excited for my future. But for those of you that either let me in your homes, let me talk your ear off or even told me that you liked anything I did or that you supported me. I cannot tell you all what that meant to me. I wanted to get famous but I no longer care to because I am already famous in my own mind and if I can continue to make content the people around me enjoy then I will be perfectly content myself. 

Take Care all, I will be writing many more blogs and you will be getting to see a different side of me with my poetry that I have been saving up for all of you. 


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