What Happened What's NextWhat the Hell is Mania

What Happened What's Next and What the Hell is Mania 

 Well jeez, in a lot of ways, if I knew I probably would not have had 3 separate psych ward stays, emptied my bank account, and cut myself off from those who love me the most. But here I go.

Bi-Polar disorder is a bitch but bipolar 1 is really one of the worst diseases you can have in the sense that you have literally no control over your brain. Unlike everyone who has their ups and downs that are like the top and bottom of a hill my ups and downs are like the top of Mount Everest and the bottom of a coal shaft not only is it hard to breathe in both spots but one wrong move can kill you in either spot.

I am not really sure when where or how it started. Work was stressing me out because I was up for a promotion and a pay raise I did not feel I deserved. You probably never thought you'd see someone type that but when you are deathly afraid of success things to happen. Some of my best friends, brother, and girlfriend at the time had moved to Columbus which again sounds great but it was a lot of juggling. I was moving into a new place with my friends which I think was hard for my mom and me because we had become pretty reliant on each other. Finally, a couple deaths occurred and this was all before I went on my first trip to Oregon and California.

The belief is I was manic when I came back from that which may as well be true but within the first week of coming back I had the cops called on me twice by family, my long term girlfriend ended a relationship I was sure was going to end in marriage someday and I resigned from a job I actually enjoyed. I packed my bags and took off for Denver and spent the next month traveling. 

I have to tell you something about being manic before I continue. It is like the greatest drug you have ever been on. Music is better you feel two cups of coffee deep without the crash. You have the confidence you get after your third or fourth drink and the world feels like it's yours to conquer. Of all the things I regret there are a lot of experiences, I am grateful for during this episode more than anything the traveling and the reaching back to old friends.

When I finally got back it took almost a week of me being a completely and utter inconsiderate asshole before I was finally brought into the psych ward for the first time. I did my time but my meds weren't high enough and I made the idiotic decision to go up to Cleveland (which again the experience was great but its outcome not so much) I convinced myself that I was supposed to run for mayor spending and I am not joking hours downtown speaking to the homeless population in Cleveland about my plans to help them and the city. 

What finally made me seek help and there is only one other person who knows about this but I was walking home from the Flats to Lakewood in 40-degree weather while in shorts and a T-shirt with glass in my foot. I got into a car with a stranger and lets just say it was a very uncomfortable situation that I will blog about later on. 

I ended up sleeping outside that night and woke up finally ready to go get help. I was driven down to Columbus by an amazing friend the next morning and was told to wait till the next day to get an appointment to get in. "No problem" I thought I would just call my Mom and she would grab me but she was on her way to Dayton to see a concert after she told me that I decided to kill myself. I left the hospital, used some poor kid who was working at 5 Guys phone to tell my Mom to call the cops if she wanted to save me or this was going to be all her fault. That got me into the hospital for the second time.

Finally, after 10 days, I thought I had to be good. I was two days out and attending a partial hospitalization program daily and on the second day we were challenging negative beliefs. My first belief was "Death surrounds me" I put 3 good reasons why that was not true and 2 hours after I came home from class we got the call that my grandfather died. While I was in my manic phase I felt like I was in the Da Vinci Code. I thought that I was the redeemer and finally the day before my grandfathers funeral we went to St. Raphel's where my Dad's funeral was held and that set me off one last time. I told my brother and Mom that I thought I was the Son of Man from revelations and that sent me into the hospital for the third and fingers crossed hopefully the final time.

Now is the actual hard part. They say what goes up must come down and they also say the bigger they are the harder they fall. I most likely was manic and "on top of the world" for almost three months. Which in turn means this may be the worst depression I have ever had if I let it be but I am not going down that easily.

I am currently seeking employment as a barback and hoping to get a bartending job in Columbus preferably the Short North or Arena District. If anyone can help me out because I have zero service industry experience that would be amazing. 

Finally, I am focusing on my writing and poetry/rap, I am going to be dark on social media most likely for the rest of the year outside of some blogs I may post. The reason for this is because I am putting together a book from all my writings since the passing of my father. The book will me called "Psycho Analyzin' - A Look Inside a Bipolar Brain.

P.S. I write as a form of therapy and what I got out in this is probably some of the deepest I have ever gone. I do not do this for people to be upset at anyone who I spoke of they were just doing what they knew best at the time but to show how terrible of a position a manic person can put themselves in if they are isolated and not properly helped at the early stages. I appreciate everyone who reads my stuff. I lost all my contacts and do not need everyone reaching out at once but if you want to ever contact me to talk or catch up you can reach me at 440-668-1229 or nbest18@gmail.com. I can always use the support and I am someone who likes to help others when they are going through the shit because I have been there. 

Keep on Keepin on,

If this isnt nice what is,

Nicholas McHale Daniel Best